Saturday, August 04, 2007

 
i wish wish wish that my mind would process things quicker. or maybe i don't. but the fact of the matter is, in the heat of the moment, i'm rarely fit and fired and ready to go. i experience, i take things in, but i rarely am ready to fight back immediately if it's something that's affecting deeper emotions or philosophical issues. i take it in, and a few hours later, then i have my response ready. but at that point, things are done and over, and i could revisit it, but then it's just re-opening something that's presumably over.

so like today. is it worth recapping things for this? when i'm the only one who reads it? when this really only exists for when i need to get thoughts out so quickly that i have to type them, because handwriting takes too long? prolly not. boy. puppy. that fiasco. niggling thoughts from the get-go about how there's a reason it won't work, but i dismiss them constantly because i figure i'm trying to sabotage myself, and i'd rather think that there's a reason that it's all coming about in the first place, given that in the past, this'd never happen. but boy gets more and more distant, which is confusing given how he was hugely affectionate and driven at the beginning, and seemed to be totally into making it work. but suddenly he's not, and though puppy's there now, thats not reason enough for me -- even if you're stretched thin, all it needs is a simple comment, email, text, even a fucking poke on facebook -- everyone's using it, including you! -- there's enough ways to let someone know that they still matter in some way. so i'm sorry, i don't know what's going on. you invite me to events with your friends, and then you go away, and when you're back you sound all eager to see me, but no, apparently it was just for the sex?? i didn't think you were like that. but given the fact that you called me when you got back, and you invited me over, and you seemed all keen to see me, a quick "glad you're back" email doesn't seem out of place. and finding cool things to do and messaging you about them twice (not that you read the second one) on two separate days doesn't seem out of place. and me calling you back after you call me seems fair, and you inviting me to meet you where you are, although i can't, but i call you instead... that's all kosher, isn't it?

but apparently not. apparently it's "suffocating". and though i accepted it at the time then and explained that i really didn't know what to go with at the time, given the circumstances, and didn't point out these little details, now i'm annoyed, because i'm not doing anything deserving of such a pronouncement. at all. i wanted to, sure, but i bit my tongue, figuratively at least, because i didn't know what was going on. but to put that on me? i'm sorry, i'm insulted now.

though that's not the real reason why. no, it's the "well, at the beginning, i thought there was more potential in this" comment. which implies that now there's not? which implies that . . . . what? because i'm sorry, the way that a person takes that when it's said to them is that "now that i know more about you, you're not all that interested/worthwhile afterall". and that is insulting. i don't like implications that i'm vapid and superficial. i'm not. you have no idea. you haven't even tried to find out. you've been too wrapped up in your stuff, and fine, alright, it's a good thing to be wrapped up in, new puppy and all, but... the unsaid-but-felt implication that your job is who you are? that you don't work hard enough? that you spend tons of time doing nothing? ....yeah, you don't know me at all. though, as an aside, it's a little funny, i guess, to see what others feel like around me, seeing my tactics mirrored in him, now that i'm suddenly starting to relax my own busy-ness.

but. so. now, 5 hours later, i'm pissed off. i'm insulted. i want to argue back and make a scene and point out your self-absorption. i don't want to be all tender and yearning for things to work out and hoping to say the right thing to make things work out "right". i don't get why you've gone from saying things that make me think that you're totally into this, to suddenly making me doubt you were ever interested in anything other than sex (which is funny, considering it's me and that's more of a big deal than you'd ever have expected). i know you were. i think. but it's hard to see that now.

all that i'm really upset about, ultimately, is the fact that i'm so desperate for some sort of contact that i try to sort this out and find ways to make this work (can it? i don't know...) rather than wash my hands of it all and find something else. surely i deserve something better than this, right?
posted by me | 12:10 AM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

 
a letter to catherine

i get to go to a working conditions meeting tomorrow, where i will be told off for doing union work, which is bullshit because i wasn't doing that, and even if i were, i wasn't the only person involved, but i'm the only person being attacked for it. they were trying to schedule it immediately after my counselling session, and weren't even listening when i was telling them that i was going to be busy then. i'm sure they think i'm being unreasonable and not willing to work with people. they're stupid. all of them. even the one person i did have some admiration for. he's the one who's doing this. because he's gotten mad at me because i think that crossing picket lines for your own membership is a reasonable thing to do, and has decided to make my life miserable for that. and i ended up freaking out when noah asked me out because in my mind i blew everything out of proportion and thought way too far ahead and way to much about things. i didn't do it to him. but i did it to meself. and i was pretty disgusted that my immediate reaction was "but he's not cool enough", despite the fact
that i've really had a lot of fun hanging out with him lately, and i DO like him as a friend. what kind of person judges people on not being good or cool enough to date? and not just random people, but someone you're FRIENDS with? that's fucked up. but karl and i talked a bunch last night, and i feel a bit better. though i feel like i'm failing at life right now because i can't even deal with a little social situation. i told him about my social anxieties, and how fucked up it is that i can't actually allow meself to get close to anyone, so even my best friends don't even know what's going on all the time. and my family certainly doesn't know me. and everything i do at work is "wrong" and i get in trouble for, when if i didn't do what i do, the student society would come across as alienating and rude and cold, so i'm basically getting in trouble for trying to be a good director and trying to do the right thing, and i seriously am back to considering quitting some more. and my horoscope, which i just read, told me that i need to sit down and figure out what's good for my mental sanity, and actually do it. ha ha ha. but this morning i had a blood test done and that sucked, and then in my documentary film class we watched one disturbing film about a post-nuclear war world, and a film about a mental asylum where people were just fucked up -- perfect timing. i sat there looking at the people there and thinking about myself and feeling like shit. i got the forms i need to withdraw retroactively from a class that i never finished in the springtime. i don't know whether to actually pull out of it or not. right now it's an F on my transcript, though, and even though i was told i'd get an extension until whenever, it's been months now and i still haven't done anything for it, so i don't know that i'm going to get around to doing it. but that's sorta admitting to failure, i feel. and then i ran into shawn hunsdale briefly, and didn't crack open how i felt, but he went on how
happy he was for a brief bit, then had to run to a meeting. as soon as he left i started crying. i can't even tell you why. but i went home on the skytrain feeling mute and like a statue, completely removed from the world. i sent you my email just before i left. i was feeling pretty hateful all over again, then.

but i came home and talked to someone at the society who knows stuff and told me that i'm kinda fucked with the meeting tomorrow and will just have to bite my tongue a lot of the time, but told me some things that i should mention and bring up, and gave me some ideas of what to do. and i cooked and made fried okra and green pea spicy rice for me and karl and diego and shirleen and shirleen's guest. it was tasty. and karl and i went hallowe'en bowling with CJSF down the drive, dressed in housecoats and ties (we matched). and i had too many candy bars and have a bit of a sugar high right now.

so i'm feeling a bit better. but dreading tomorrow. except for counselling. because i enjoy it. i feel miserable afterwards more often than not, but it's a relieving misery.

even though i know i have some people around me who care and that, i really feel alone right now. and i thought i had an idea what was going on in my life, but i don't think i do anymore, because anything that i thought i knew seems to have fallen through. and i don't have much money in the bank at all right now. and i just got letters from bc and canada student loans telling me that i need to start paying
them back. and i can still be cheerful and smiling to people around me, and i still have fun, but it's feeling forced a lot of the time. or maybe not forced, but fleeting. it comes briefly, but doesn't last. and i'm not productive and i don't actually do things anymore. i WANT to do things. the ideal me does a lot. but i do nothing. noah does more than me, and he's a frickin computer geek, and i'm judging him as not cool enough, but wtf? and to be clear, this isn't about noah. at all he's just the current unfortunate example. but yeah. in general. my life rocks.
posted by me | 11:20 PM

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

 
re: last entry and deciding that we wouldn't do anything more that could make the significant other extremely unhappy.

so a day after that entry, we go to the beach and completely forget about any restrictions we placed on ourselves. and it felt right. it would have felt wrong to not follow those instincts.

god, life is confusing.

i need my amelie world, where things just work out for me, because i'm the main character, and even if i'm a bit of a wuss and want something to happen to throw us together, and want to live in fantasy worlds where there's mystery and elaborate planning to make things work out for everyone around you and bright, vibrant colours and lovely accordian music playing in the background. and photos. lots of photos.

why isn't that world my world?
posted by me | 4:03 AM

Saturday, April 23, 2005

 
lord knows how many months it's been since i posted to here. eons, most likely.

but this is how things are now:

i'm in some sort of love or lust with someone who's already involved with someone, though they're a believer in open relationships and never having to choose. unfortunately (?) their partner doesn't think that way, and wants a closed, solid relationship, which has gone alright of late, but only because the other's been distracted by other battles and hasn't had the time to reach out beyond their official lover. unfortunately, again, those other battles are over, and things are becoming more heated between us again, and as much as i do like their significant other, i can't help but play along and get what i can with the object of my attraction.

we just had a big long talk about where things were with him today, and, after some sort of making out, stating that that probably shouldn't happen anymore, only because if she found out, she'd be terribly upset. and neither of us wants that. and though it's good that everything was finally put into words, i'm still rather disappointed by it. because honestly, i don't feel as comfortable with anyone else right now, and he really is probably at the top of my list, attraction-wise, right now.

but it's a weird place where i've ended up. i know that she exists, so i never ever instigate anything. and whenever we do start getting close, i'll only work on cues from him, and never (rarely) make a move to do something or explore somewhere before he's made the move on me. and in some ways, this is rather problematic. even if i'm doing things this way because i'm making sure that he sets the boundaries, seeing as he's the one in a "commited" relationship right now and i don't want to ever be accused of trying to push things farther, i'm still the one who's learning to hesitate, and to not make the first move, and to deny whatever i might actually want, and make myself more self-conscious of what i want vs. what they want.

and that's no good. especially not for me.

in some ways, i wish that all the politicking was still going on, because then he was too distracted to be interested in anyone else, and because i was too busy to play the game at all. but it's not anymore. now, i'm just in some horrid game where i'm falling in love with someone that i can't really get truly close to, and we constantly exchange Meaningful Looks without any followthrough because he's trying to defy social norms in ways that she isn't comfortable with, and even though we might share moments of closeness, i still don't feel like i can open up in them because that's not the role he's in, to have to listen to my woes or hopes or whathaveyou.

so instead i'm just frustrated and posting long, rambly rants on blogger.

and then there's one other person i'm interested in. and i think it's mutual, but at the same time, i don't know that they're not-commited already either, despite whatever flirtation that might occur between us, and i manage to become a brainless idiot when i'm with them, unable to come up with anything interesting to discuss, interested but idiotic. and instead of encouraging them or making an initiative, i hesitate and don't make any move, and possibly just brush them off because i'm worried that the feeling's not returned, and that i'm projecting what i feel/want/respect onto them.

and then i have so much work to do that i don't even have time to be worrying about all this right now in the first place. but it's so much easier to put that off in favour of dwelling on what a loser you are, and how well you fail at life.

so emo.
posted by me | 1:34 AM

Saturday, October 09, 2004

 
i wish i wish i wish that he'd been ready to leave at the same time as me, or that they'd finished a little earlier, so that i ended up taking the bus home with him. i wanted (and still want) my indulgent time. i wish that there just could have been some easy way to stick around without it being painfully obvious that i was waiting for him, because that wouldn't do.

i'll even go out on a limb and say that he wishes that too, because that's the feeling i got from it all.

i wish that it wouldn't seem strange to turn down a ride late at night. because honestly, i like taking the bus anyway, so it would have been nice to have had that slow ride home.

ah well. instead, i hope i hope i hope i get a call tomorrow or something to get together. it's possible. don't know how likely, but possible.
posted by me | 1:41 AM

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

 
this is probably the most frustrating, lonely, sad, confusing year of my life thus far.

and i keep waiting for it to get better or for it to make sense. i'm sitting here, wishing my life were a hollywood movie, waiting for the magical someone to pop up and make everything in my life better. not that i'm waiting for a mr/ms right, but just someone to suggest something to made everything better. some grand idea, some great solution, just something.

and it's not going to come. i know that. life isn't a hollywood movie. and in a great many ways i'm pretty glad. but right now, i sorta wish it was.

prague was my fantasy land, i thought. i think that somewhere along the way it switched, though. or, if it's still my fantasy land, vancouver is my safety net, where i don't need to do anything. i can worry about everything like there's no tomorrow, but in the end, i don't need to do anything because i have a comfort zone here that i don't have anywhere else.

i really need to leave. and i wish i knew why i don't just go. i wish i had someone to just talk to and cry to and be held by. that's all i want. just some arms to hold me, someone that i won't feel i'm imposing upon to sit and watch a movie with me and tell me everything's going to be alright, someone to encourage me or give me ideas.

but it's always the people who need someone the most who are left to be all alone, isn't it. maybe if i were just a titch closer to my parents, or even just one of them. but i'm not. haven't been for years. probably never really will be. not that they're in a good place to help out a childish, pathetic should-be-grownup.

all i'm really learning this year is that you can't rely on anyone. at all. people who say that you're they're Other, people who're supposedly your good friends, relatives who promise certain things that never ever carry through, doctors, employers... though i'm really just broken up over the friends part, more than anything else.

[ohsoemopitymethenkillmenow]
posted by me | 1:26 AM

Saturday, August 07, 2004

 
i know i'm acting strange lately. and i don't entirely know why.

i do find it stupid, however, that someone who has invited themselves along on plans i made awhile back would tell me that they don't need me to be taking things out on them. when all i did was get silent tonight because i had nothing to add to the conversation because it had already become a 2-person conversation that excluded me.

i didn't invite said person along tonight. i didn't ask them to be there. i didn't want them to be there, even. and they're saying that i'm taking shit out on them?

i don't get it.

i do need to leave soon, though.
posted by me | 11:41 PM

Monday, May 17, 2004

 
surprise phonecall today! and i was wanting to call anyway, but wasn't actually going to. and oh, oh, oh, it was a good conversation. lots of things said that are usually left as understood but not spoken. but i like hearing them. and i've recently realised that that's what i do want more of, simple things to be said out loud rather than simply taken as understood, as mundane or as trite as they might seem. so this was rather timely. and hopefully it will continue.

between yesterday and today, i really couldn't be much happier right now. well, i could be, if situations were a little different, but as things stand right now, with what we've got, i'm pretty damn happy.
posted by me | 12:36 AM

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

 
oh irony of ironies, it's happening again!

or something. or maybe nothing. i don't know.

there's something to be said for feeling any sort of interest-related tension with other people. i don't know if it makes everything better or not, but it certainly makes it more interesting. imagine if i just had papers and work to think about, would that be a fulfilling existence? hardly! it's good to have something to distract you into daydreaming. and it's probably because it's paper season that any of this is on my mind at all, because at the moment there's things that i should be worrying about. and therefore, i need a distraction from them.

enter O et al.

for now i just have to finish with school, then i can figure the rest of life. because i doubt anything i think about anything can be trusted at the moment. and really, there's nothing about anything that's to be concerned about. that's the one thing i've picked up by now. enjoy things while they last, don't stress about them. makes all of life much easier.

don't worry about the magazine, just work for it right now. don't worry about O, he's got as much shit to figure out as i do, and whatever happens happens. don't worry about work, deal with that when you can spend all your time focussed on it.

do worry about getting enough sunshine, though. because i can already tell i'm feeling better now that i'm spending more time outdoors in summer clothes again.

do worry about getting these papers done, because then i can start sleeping properly, goddammit!
posted by me | 3:55 PM

Saturday, February 28, 2004

 
i have no idea where my mood came from this afternoon. tutoring was actually fun. yesterday at the paper offices was a great time. the wench called me just to tell me i'm an ass.

so then why did i suddenly end up in a funk of a mood today?

it started when i talked to O. maybe that's just it. it didn't feel like a wonderful thing, talking to him. didn't feel like we really missed each other at all, didn't feel like it mattered if we saw each other again or not.

or maybe it's because as time goes by i feel more and more like i'm not going to go back, but i just don't want to admit that yet.

or maybe because i think that he doesn't mean as much to me as i thought he did. and i was hoping that talking to him would reassure me that he did. except that it didn't work that way.

or maybe i'm just frustrated that the most exciting thing in my life is that i can kinda walk without crutches finally, but i'm still pretty much incapable of any real movement, and he's going out every night and having a grand ol' time... and i feel like it doesn't really matter to him if i head out there anymore or not. maybe it doesn't matter so much to me anymore either though.

whatever. tonight i sleep.
posted by me | 11:06 PM