Saturday, August 04, 2007

 
i wish wish wish that my mind would process things quicker. or maybe i don't. but the fact of the matter is, in the heat of the moment, i'm rarely fit and fired and ready to go. i experience, i take things in, but i rarely am ready to fight back immediately if it's something that's affecting deeper emotions or philosophical issues. i take it in, and a few hours later, then i have my response ready. but at that point, things are done and over, and i could revisit it, but then it's just re-opening something that's presumably over.

so like today. is it worth recapping things for this? when i'm the only one who reads it? when this really only exists for when i need to get thoughts out so quickly that i have to type them, because handwriting takes too long? prolly not. boy. puppy. that fiasco. niggling thoughts from the get-go about how there's a reason it won't work, but i dismiss them constantly because i figure i'm trying to sabotage myself, and i'd rather think that there's a reason that it's all coming about in the first place, given that in the past, this'd never happen. but boy gets more and more distant, which is confusing given how he was hugely affectionate and driven at the beginning, and seemed to be totally into making it work. but suddenly he's not, and though puppy's there now, thats not reason enough for me -- even if you're stretched thin, all it needs is a simple comment, email, text, even a fucking poke on facebook -- everyone's using it, including you! -- there's enough ways to let someone know that they still matter in some way. so i'm sorry, i don't know what's going on. you invite me to events with your friends, and then you go away, and when you're back you sound all eager to see me, but no, apparently it was just for the sex?? i didn't think you were like that. but given the fact that you called me when you got back, and you invited me over, and you seemed all keen to see me, a quick "glad you're back" email doesn't seem out of place. and finding cool things to do and messaging you about them twice (not that you read the second one) on two separate days doesn't seem out of place. and me calling you back after you call me seems fair, and you inviting me to meet you where you are, although i can't, but i call you instead... that's all kosher, isn't it?

but apparently not. apparently it's "suffocating". and though i accepted it at the time then and explained that i really didn't know what to go with at the time, given the circumstances, and didn't point out these little details, now i'm annoyed, because i'm not doing anything deserving of such a pronouncement. at all. i wanted to, sure, but i bit my tongue, figuratively at least, because i didn't know what was going on. but to put that on me? i'm sorry, i'm insulted now.

though that's not the real reason why. no, it's the "well, at the beginning, i thought there was more potential in this" comment. which implies that now there's not? which implies that . . . . what? because i'm sorry, the way that a person takes that when it's said to them is that "now that i know more about you, you're not all that interested/worthwhile afterall". and that is insulting. i don't like implications that i'm vapid and superficial. i'm not. you have no idea. you haven't even tried to find out. you've been too wrapped up in your stuff, and fine, alright, it's a good thing to be wrapped up in, new puppy and all, but... the unsaid-but-felt implication that your job is who you are? that you don't work hard enough? that you spend tons of time doing nothing? ....yeah, you don't know me at all. though, as an aside, it's a little funny, i guess, to see what others feel like around me, seeing my tactics mirrored in him, now that i'm suddenly starting to relax my own busy-ness.

but. so. now, 5 hours later, i'm pissed off. i'm insulted. i want to argue back and make a scene and point out your self-absorption. i don't want to be all tender and yearning for things to work out and hoping to say the right thing to make things work out "right". i don't get why you've gone from saying things that make me think that you're totally into this, to suddenly making me doubt you were ever interested in anything other than sex (which is funny, considering it's me and that's more of a big deal than you'd ever have expected). i know you were. i think. but it's hard to see that now.

all that i'm really upset about, ultimately, is the fact that i'm so desperate for some sort of contact that i try to sort this out and find ways to make this work (can it? i don't know...) rather than wash my hands of it all and find something else. surely i deserve something better than this, right?
posted by me | 12:10 AM