i get to go to a working conditions meeting tomorrow, where i will be told off for doing union work, which is bullshit because i wasn't doing that, and even if i were, i wasn't the only person involved, but i'm the only person being attacked for it. they were trying to schedule it immediately after my counselling session, and weren't even listening when i was telling them that i was going to be busy then. i'm sure they think i'm being unreasonable and not willing to work with people. they're stupid. all of them. even the one person i did have some admiration for. he's the one who's doing this. because he's gotten mad at me because i think that crossing picket lines for your own membership is a reasonable thing to do, and has decided to make my life miserable for that. and i ended up freaking out when noah asked me out because in my mind i blew everything out of proportion and thought way too far ahead and way to much about things. i didn't do it to him. but i did it to meself. and i was pretty disgusted that my immediate reaction was "but he's not cool enough", despite the fact that i've really had a lot of fun hanging out with him lately, and i DO like him as a friend. what kind of person judges people on not being good or cool enough to date? and not just random people, but someone you're FRIENDS with? that's fucked up. but karl and i talked a bunch last night, and i feel a bit better. though i feel like i'm failing at life right now because i can't even deal with a little social situation. i told him about my social anxieties, and how fucked up it is that i can't actually allow meself to get close to anyone, so even my best friends don't even know what's going on all the time. and my family certainly doesn't know me. and everything i do at work is "wrong" and i get in trouble for, when if i didn't do what i do, the student society would come across as alienating and rude and cold, so i'm basically getting in trouble for trying to be a good director and trying to do the right thing, and i seriously am back to considering quitting some more. and my horoscope, which i just read, told me that i need to sit down and figure out what's good for my mental sanity, and actually do it. ha ha ha. but this morning i had a blood test done and that sucked, and then in my documentary film class we watched one disturbing film about a post-nuclear war world, and a film about a mental asylum where people were just fucked up -- perfect timing. i sat there looking at the people there and thinking about myself and feeling like shit. i got the forms i need to withdraw retroactively from a class that i never finished in the springtime. i don't know whether to actually pull out of it or not. right now it's an F on my transcript, though, and even though i was told i'd get an extension until whenever, it's been months now and i still haven't done anything for it, so i don't know that i'm going to get around to doing it. but that's sorta admitting to failure, i feel. and then i ran into shawn hunsdale briefly, and didn't crack open how i felt, but he went on how happy he was for a brief bit, then had to run to a meeting. as soon as he left i started crying. i can't even tell you why. but i went home on the skytrain feeling mute and like a statue, completely removed from the world. i sent you my email just before i left. i was feeling pretty hateful all over again, then.
but i came home and talked to someone at the society who knows stuff and told me that i'm kinda fucked with the meeting tomorrow and will just have to bite my tongue a lot of the time, but told me some things that i should mention and bring up, and gave me some ideas of what to do. and i cooked and made fried okra and green pea spicy rice for me and karl and diego and shirleen and shirleen's guest. it was tasty. and karl and i went hallowe'en bowling with CJSF down the drive, dressed in housecoats and ties (we matched). and i had too many candy bars and have a bit of a sugar high right now.
so i'm feeling a bit better. but dreading tomorrow. except for counselling. because i enjoy it. i feel miserable afterwards more often than not, but it's a relieving misery.
even though i know i have some people around me who care and that, i really feel alone right now. and i thought i had an idea what was going on in my life, but i don't think i do anymore, because anything that i thought i knew seems to have fallen through. and i don't have much money in the bank at all right now. and i just got letters from bc and canada student loans telling me that i need to start paying them back. and i can still be cheerful and smiling to people around me, and i still have fun, but it's feeling forced a lot of the time. or maybe not forced, but fleeting. it comes briefly, but doesn't last. and i'm not productive and i don't actually do things anymore. i WANT to do things. the ideal me does a lot. but i do nothing. noah does more than me, and he's a frickin computer geek, and i'm judging him as not cool enough, but wtf? and to be clear, this isn't about noah. at all he's just the current unfortunate example. but yeah. in general. my life rocks. posted by me | 11:20 PM
soft and striped 
Tuesday, October 25, 2005