Wednesday, April 27, 2005

 
re: last entry and deciding that we wouldn't do anything more that could make the significant other extremely unhappy.

so a day after that entry, we go to the beach and completely forget about any restrictions we placed on ourselves. and it felt right. it would have felt wrong to not follow those instincts.

god, life is confusing.

i need my amelie world, where things just work out for me, because i'm the main character, and even if i'm a bit of a wuss and want something to happen to throw us together, and want to live in fantasy worlds where there's mystery and elaborate planning to make things work out for everyone around you and bright, vibrant colours and lovely accordian music playing in the background. and photos. lots of photos.

why isn't that world my world?
posted by me | 4:03 AM

Saturday, April 23, 2005

 
lord knows how many months it's been since i posted to here. eons, most likely.

but this is how things are now:

i'm in some sort of love or lust with someone who's already involved with someone, though they're a believer in open relationships and never having to choose. unfortunately (?) their partner doesn't think that way, and wants a closed, solid relationship, which has gone alright of late, but only because the other's been distracted by other battles and hasn't had the time to reach out beyond their official lover. unfortunately, again, those other battles are over, and things are becoming more heated between us again, and as much as i do like their significant other, i can't help but play along and get what i can with the object of my attraction.

we just had a big long talk about where things were with him today, and, after some sort of making out, stating that that probably shouldn't happen anymore, only because if she found out, she'd be terribly upset. and neither of us wants that. and though it's good that everything was finally put into words, i'm still rather disappointed by it. because honestly, i don't feel as comfortable with anyone else right now, and he really is probably at the top of my list, attraction-wise, right now.

but it's a weird place where i've ended up. i know that she exists, so i never ever instigate anything. and whenever we do start getting close, i'll only work on cues from him, and never (rarely) make a move to do something or explore somewhere before he's made the move on me. and in some ways, this is rather problematic. even if i'm doing things this way because i'm making sure that he sets the boundaries, seeing as he's the one in a "commited" relationship right now and i don't want to ever be accused of trying to push things farther, i'm still the one who's learning to hesitate, and to not make the first move, and to deny whatever i might actually want, and make myself more self-conscious of what i want vs. what they want.

and that's no good. especially not for me.

in some ways, i wish that all the politicking was still going on, because then he was too distracted to be interested in anyone else, and because i was too busy to play the game at all. but it's not anymore. now, i'm just in some horrid game where i'm falling in love with someone that i can't really get truly close to, and we constantly exchange Meaningful Looks without any followthrough because he's trying to defy social norms in ways that she isn't comfortable with, and even though we might share moments of closeness, i still don't feel like i can open up in them because that's not the role he's in, to have to listen to my woes or hopes or whathaveyou.

so instead i'm just frustrated and posting long, rambly rants on blogger.

and then there's one other person i'm interested in. and i think it's mutual, but at the same time, i don't know that they're not-commited already either, despite whatever flirtation that might occur between us, and i manage to become a brainless idiot when i'm with them, unable to come up with anything interesting to discuss, interested but idiotic. and instead of encouraging them or making an initiative, i hesitate and don't make any move, and possibly just brush them off because i'm worried that the feeling's not returned, and that i'm projecting what i feel/want/respect onto them.

and then i have so much work to do that i don't even have time to be worrying about all this right now in the first place. but it's so much easier to put that off in favour of dwelling on what a loser you are, and how well you fail at life.

so emo.
posted by me | 1:34 AM