Wednesday, September 22, 2004

 
this is probably the most frustrating, lonely, sad, confusing year of my life thus far.

and i keep waiting for it to get better or for it to make sense. i'm sitting here, wishing my life were a hollywood movie, waiting for the magical someone to pop up and make everything in my life better. not that i'm waiting for a mr/ms right, but just someone to suggest something to made everything better. some grand idea, some great solution, just something.

and it's not going to come. i know that. life isn't a hollywood movie. and in a great many ways i'm pretty glad. but right now, i sorta wish it was.

prague was my fantasy land, i thought. i think that somewhere along the way it switched, though. or, if it's still my fantasy land, vancouver is my safety net, where i don't need to do anything. i can worry about everything like there's no tomorrow, but in the end, i don't need to do anything because i have a comfort zone here that i don't have anywhere else.

i really need to leave. and i wish i knew why i don't just go. i wish i had someone to just talk to and cry to and be held by. that's all i want. just some arms to hold me, someone that i won't feel i'm imposing upon to sit and watch a movie with me and tell me everything's going to be alright, someone to encourage me or give me ideas.

but it's always the people who need someone the most who are left to be all alone, isn't it. maybe if i were just a titch closer to my parents, or even just one of them. but i'm not. haven't been for years. probably never really will be. not that they're in a good place to help out a childish, pathetic should-be-grownup.

all i'm really learning this year is that you can't rely on anyone. at all. people who say that you're they're Other, people who're supposedly your good friends, relatives who promise certain things that never ever carry through, doctors, employers... though i'm really just broken up over the friends part, more than anything else.

[ohsoemopitymethenkillmenow]
posted by me | 1:26 AM