i have no idea where my mood came from this afternoon. tutoring was actually fun. yesterday at the paper offices was a great time. the wench called me just to tell me i'm an ass.
so then why did i suddenly end up in a funk of a mood today?
it started when i talked to O. maybe that's just it. it didn't feel like a wonderful thing, talking to him. didn't feel like we really missed each other at all, didn't feel like it mattered if we saw each other again or not.
or maybe it's because as time goes by i feel more and more like i'm not going to go back, but i just don't want to admit that yet.
or maybe because i think that he doesn't mean as much to me as i thought he did. and i was hoping that talking to him would reassure me that he did. except that it didn't work that way.
or maybe i'm just frustrated that the most exciting thing in my life is that i can kinda walk without crutches finally, but i'm still pretty much incapable of any real movement, and he's going out every night and having a grand ol' time... and i feel like it doesn't really matter to him if i head out there anymore or not. maybe it doesn't matter so much to me anymore either though.
whatever. tonight i sleep. posted by me | 11:06 PM
Monday, February 23, 2004
O says he'll stick it out in praha til june, and if things are going great he'll stick around, if not, he'll head back home. if i go out there again, i'd be getting there end of may/beginning of june. if he weren't there, i don't think i'd be so keen on returning. in fact, i know i would be. which suddenly paints things differently. i don't know whether to stay here or go, knowing that.
although that's come out pretty much completely in conversations. we both want to be near each other. we both kinda...need it. he's said that he'll come out here if i don't come out there, though he wouldn't know when or how. but if i came across a job for him he'd come out quickly. which is all well and good but i can't be searching for jobs for him. that's not my work in life.
but i would love it if he came here. i really would. i do think that'd be the best of most worlds then. at least for awhile. if he came out here for awhile, got to experience life on this continent cuz i've done the same for his, then we both know both sides and can move from there.
i always thought S&S's story was a little silly. starting to understand it a little now, though. still very wary of all this, though. i wish i didn't have to be. i wish i was in a situation where i didn't have to be thinking about things much bigger than "do i love him or not". which is big enough by itself. but when it's coupled with "do i love him enough to move a long ways away, or for him to do the same", that's just too much.
that said, there's no way in hell i'm ready to give up on this yet. well, give up the fact that he does mean a lot to me. because really, we're in a position where we're both doing whatever we feel like without neding to feel any guilt. though he told me today that he actually does feel bad when he's with someone else, even though there's no reason for him to. that he constantly compares people to me. which makes me feel good inside, really, but not like i'd be annoyed and upset if he didn't. but the fact that he does means something. i don't think he's any more set to try to ignore feelings right now.
what i do wonder, however, is how similar his feelings were when L left in january. because i've heard what he says of her now, and i never knew them then, but i wonder how much of what he says now was hindsight, but blinded-by-lust at the time.
but then again, that's one thing that's different with us. we don't really have to worry about the blinded-by-lust thing. because that was separate from our actual friendship for so long that it's still carried through, i think. that's why when i talk to him, it's different than it was talking to B when i left here for there. then, we were too busy missing each other. here, we're busy being friends and being curious about things, and of course we miss each other but that's not the focus of it all.
(alright, this is bullshit, i should just stop now..{g})
but seriously. things are different this time round. different in a good way. i just don't know how much meaning i should be putting to these differences.
soft and striped 
Saturday, February 28, 2004