Monday, August 11, 2003

 
i wish i could decide what i'm doing this fall. where i'm going. what i'm bringing. what i'm spending. how much debt i'll be in.
i wish i could just go home and be able to come back easily.
i wish that i'd get a message or something from B. i'm possibly wishing that he'd say something that'd make me seriously come home, except that really, i don't think there's anything more for us right now either. but i wish he'd at least try to make contact with me, because i can't do it again. it's gotta be his choice now.
i wish that i could be with O. or at least talk with him for awhile. not that he'd be a help in figuring things out, but he cheers me up.
i wish that i had friends to talk to here.
i wish that it was easier to get places here.
i wish that i had somewhere that i wanted to go out here, rather than simply sitting at home until i leave on thursday.
i wish that i knew what he really thought, and that he was thinking the same things i was, even though they're completely unrealistic and completely illogical. i get the feeling that they are, actually, but you don't know for sure unless you bring it up, and if i brought it up and was wrong, that could be a bad thing. so.
i wish i wasn't such a wuss.
i wish i had the guts to just decide on something and do it, rather than continuously waffle between options and wait for someone or something else to take initiative first.
i wish that i didn't live so far away from him, that i'd still have the likelihood of seeing him again after this.
i wish i knew what could/would have happened if we did live closer. i'd be dreadfully curious to know, actually...
i wish i had my cinnamon toothpaste.

life's full of setbacks, ain't it.
posted by me | 7:37 AM

Saturday, August 09, 2003

 
so explain me this. when we're actually together in person, it really doesn't feel like anything more than friendship love. he feels like another brother or something. and it's awesome and i love it and i miss having him around to have insane late-night conversations with. but when i'm actually away from him awhile, even though we're still staying in touch over IM or whatnot, i just start feeling more towards him. but then the next time we're together that's gone completely. i think.

but at the same time, when i see him next, i really don't know what it'll be. because i know that in all honesty, if i let myself, i could like him as a lot more than a friend. but i can't, because there's too many reasons not to. his "content"ness and his "you're just too good" aside (although the latter, i can understand and that's partially the same reason i have), we're not entirely in positions to be anywhere close by too often; it really is a great friendship and i don't know if moving it elsewhere would ruin it or not (so yeah, the "you're just too good" works there..kinda..); i've seen how it's gone between other people who became more than just friends and when that time ended, they don't even talk to each other, and i just don't want it to work that way.

so logically, it's stupid to let myself indulge in imagining potentialities. emotionally though... i don't know what i want. and in all likelihood, when we're together again, and romantic inkling'll be gone completely.

still. getting messages wondering where the hell i am when he doesn't hear from me for awhile, and the entire conversation last night makes me wonder if he's not having the same thoughts. and it's funny that he mentioned that L was quite surprised that there wasn't anything romantic between us. and strange how the rest of the conversation just went from there. the problem with IM is that you don't have inflection to go with it, but in some ways it almost felt like we were rationalising things trying to convince ourselves.

mind you. in a very roundabout way, him saying that he loves me too much as a friend to risk changing that status and possibly ending up making a Big Mistake that suddenly matters when you're a couple, something that would still be forgiven and forgotten as friends... i think that was one of the nicest things i've heard from anyone in awhile. i don't know that i necessarily agree with his expectations of how things would turn out, but the way that he put it..that was more valuable than most anything else he could have said.

and i love him as a friend. a ton. and i really wouldn't want to lost that either. it's just..i don't know. whatever. we'll see how things go when we're together again. see if we can pass the 5-day mark without wanting to kill each other briefly. {g}

if it could be emotionally satisfying, which i don't think it could be, but if you could just jump straight to the crotchety old couple stage, we'd make a great pair. sitting on rockers on the balcony, me knitting and him holding a rifle hollerin' "Git off mah land!"... either that or getting a houseboat and parking it in the middle of the ocean, could grow plants on the deck, catch fish, dock when we need supplies and new texts and books to read, never pay taxes, use cell phones if we had to use anything... that would truly be the life.

and then the ocean's always right there whenever we get to the point of needing peace - just throw the other one offboard. {g}

s'rather strange seeing my logical side so hard at work these days. at least with this. it's so often ignored completely. it'll be interesting to see which side wins..
posted by me | 2:40 PM