Wednesday, April 16, 2003

 
we're on a break for a bit. until i get back and we can sort things out in person. because neither of us wants to make a promise that in the end we can't keep or say something that in the end we may want to mean but don't. and because after an entire week of trying to sort things out over the phone and things just not getting better, it's better to quit while we're ahead and still have the option of sorting things out. it just means that we're not sorting things out for the next 2 months or so.

why did it all happen? because we're too idealistic, as always. thought the idea of an open relationship was a good one. tried to make it work. but simple human emotions got in the way, and he couldn't believe me when i told him that it meant nothing. and the funny thing is, it really didn't. the person i paired up with out here, it was a perfect situation, because we're both rational enough (at least in this situation) that it wasn't a problem. it was friendship with benefits, or should have been. but we felt the need to protect one person out here from it, which backfired, and the people in another continent just didn't understand, despite the agreements and understandings that were already in place. and for me, because he just can't handle being in a ghost relationship anymore, this many months apart is killing him and he can't keep it up any longer. so i honestly don't know how this is going to help him feel better, but he feels better this way.

so i'm a single girl again. sorta. until i get home. very strange, because nothing feels any different anyways. and nothing will feel any different, i know that. nothing different will happen. because unfortunately, even though my partner in crime out here is of the perfect mentality for this to be pulled off, he just can't do it anymore because of his other. we understand what's going on, we have our emotions in line, why can't everyone else? (really, this wouldn't sound near as selfish and retarded if you knew what the entire situation was with each of us, but i'm not going into that at this point.)

now. despite all of that, all that how we know where our emotions lie. the thing is, my big confusion in a lot of this is that i'm wondering if it's possible that i could like the one out here more if allowed to. the thing is, i can't. i just want to be friends. i know he's not in a position to be anything more with anyone right now. and i don't think i am either. it disturbs me how little i seem to care that, with hardly any warning whatsoever, i'm suddenly single again. it could be because the idea of a relationship at the moment, even though i've been having one, has been so distant and removed and unreal over the past few months. it could be because i know that things will work out when i get back home. it could be that i'm just in denial. it could just be because i'm a selfish bitch who wants to have her cake and eat it too. and perhaps it's really only because he was the first person that i've been in an agreed-upon touch agreement with (and therefore, the first person i've really been touchy with, cuddling, massages, kisses, whathaveyou) out here so that i'm simply ending up getting a little too attached to it to just let it go like that.

of course, he's gone for a week, and when he gets back, it's only for a few days before he's gone for good. and although i'm hoping to visit him during my travels before i go home, and i think we're definately getting together for a music fest if nothing else, i'm still really sorry that he's gone now. because on the mental plane we just connected far to well. more so than i would have ever expected, considering how little i knew him during the entire first half of my time out here. and more than i have to most anyone in a long time. figures, you don't find these things out until too late sometimes.

but no. it's just so much to wonder about. and i've been wondering far too much this past week. wondering about him, about me, about the people back home, about everything. i can't do it anymore. for now, sleep is needed.

s'silly though. despite all the mess that came about with this... i think this was all a good idea. or at least, good did come out of it. and more than simply some cuddles. now i know some of my bigger downfalls, now i know more what i believe about things, now i know more of what it's like to be with others, now i know more what i want (i think)...

maybe i'm just an immature, selfish, bitch, though.
posted by me | 1:58 PM

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

 
geez louise..

another secret, and unfortunately (fortunately?) this one involves me. just when i'd figured that all he and i spoke about in january wouldn't come to pass (which was fine with me, i didn't mind), someone i hardly knew last semester comes to visit and we end up hitting it off amazingly well. i find out that he's as cool as i figured he was, and i'm just kicking meself that i didn't get to know him better last semester. when he was here with his girlfriend. so we're ending up together more often than not during the week and a half that he's here, when he should be doing work and i should be reading a ton, but the only real concern is the fact that it MUST STAY HIDDEN from one person. for a number of reasons. so it's all happening in secrecy. on the one hand, it's sort of fun being illicit and quiet about it, makes it even a little more fun. on the other hand, there's the constant fear that she will find out, and that could make for a HUGE mess. or maybe it would be nothing and we're both making too much out of the whole secret thing. i really don't know. don't know how to figure that one out any easier, either.

if nothing else, however, the absolute joy of listening to Merkin bitch on and on how his weekend was a bust, how he was totally fucked and not fucked in a good way, as he crawled into his bed, used by us over the weekend for just that... and trying really hard not to just burst out laughing at the absurdity of it all... and listening to O say that his weekend was Great! and watch everyone not even catch it because they all either had shitty or awesome weekend... that's practically worth it. {g}
posted by me | 4:07 AM