i leave in three months. you know that, i know that. even so, i've realised that i really like you. a lot. and the options are either to pretend that that doesn't exist because it'll be easier at the end of the summer, or to just go along with it, knowing that it'll end. because everything ends, afterall. the problem is that you've said you don't want a serious relationship. well. if this ends in three months, can you call it a serious relationship? or rather, couldn't you have a short-but-sweet serious relationship (if that's how you want to define it) for a few months? you say you've got trust issues. well wouldn't this be a choice way to get back around them? because here's the thing. i know there's nothing official between us. but i've realised that i really want you to be mine (god, it sounds like a valentine) and for me to know you're not still on the lookout for someone else. i've had too many people lead me on and then drop me, make me feel as though i meant nothing, and seeing as it's becoming a ritual here, i'd rather break it. because you telling me how much you like me and then denying it all with your next sentence because i'm leaving is not fucking fair. so either tell me that my liking you this much is not a mistake that i'm going to regret terribly, or let me know right now that you've just been playing around, that i don't really mean that much to you. makes it easier in the end, at least.
maybe i'm the complete ditz here, falling for every line you've thrown at me, but i'd like to think that's not true. there have to be a few people in the world who aren't complete assholes. and i honestly don't think you're one of them. which is what makes this all the worse. i want to be more than a casual fuck to you. i'm pretty certain i already am. in fact, when i suggested it as a joke, you were actually insulted that i thought that. so perhaps i'm worried that you took my comment as a reflection of what i really thought. really, i was trying to downplay things to pretend that it wasn't as meaningful as i thought it was. and your reaction only made it harder to do so.
so despite the fact that i'm trying not to let you mean too much to me, you've been on my mind constantly, and i just worry that i might be passed on by. especially considering all that's racked up against me: age, libra, west-coast girl, my chances are terrible. {g} and i'm new at all of this, while you have how many years of experience at this? so i'm coming at all of this entirely fresh, and you know that. so my biggest fear is that i'm being played completely, which i'm sincerely hoping is completely unfounded, but my trust has been used against me before, so forgive me if i'm just the slightest bit paranoid.
and that's really all i have to say. and i have a bad feeling that you're not going to go along with it. why waste three months on a girl who's leaving in the end?
well, to that i say, why start anything when we're all going to die in the end? i mean, you'll die and there i'll be, all alone, and what kind of life is that? or we'll get married and live happily together for 57 years and then one day, i'll just move along to the next world, and leave you behind me, and then you'll be asking yourself, was it even worth it? ah, what a mockery this life is! {g}
still. either way, even if we can only be friends, just please don't drop me for no good reason. i don't think i'd be able to deal with that another time. posted by me | 5:04 PM
Friday, May 24, 2002
what's on my mind is what i dare not discuss. at least to anyone who's around. and that includes posting it...on the other page. but me being such a sneak, here we go.
number one: my sister is going to drive me insane. she whines and whinges on about not wanting to be here, about finding a job on the island, when she's not fooling anyone and everyone knows that she only wants to go back out there to be close to the asshole bf. the one who's cheated on her before and she suspects is doing it again. the one who spread rumours about her less than half a year ago. she's a smart girl, she's funny, she deserves better than that. and yet she's fixated on him, and her time spent out is time spent wanting to be away, not time enjoyed for the sake of enjoying it. last year she was fun to be with. this year i honestly don't care if she stays or goes, simply because she's not really here to begin with. the fact that her emotions are terribly out of whack doesn't help. i have my suspicions as to why they are, but it doesn't make a difference. the fact remains that the world is against her, nobody supports her, and that's that.
number two: san francisco was absolutely wonderful. partially because i had the trip i've wanted for months, sleeping in the car at the side of the road, exploring whatever i felt like and just going somewhere. but partially because i went with a boy i'd known for two weeks, and was practically in love with. or at least in lust. except that it's not lust. i truly enjoy being with him, talking to him, and just hanging out. it isn't the sex, although i won't put up too much of a complaint about that, but i like him. which is a new thing for me. yes, i'm in my twenties and have never had a significant other of note. it feels like i'm a freak, though i know that in reality i'm not entirely alone in that category. i just never really wanted one before. it's only been this year that i've warmed to the idea much, and unfortunately i meet someone i could completely fall head over heels in love with except for the fact that i'm leaving at the end of august for an entire year. somehow it just doesn't seem fair. at any rate. so the trip was wonderful. spending time with him since then has been wonderful. my problem is that i'm at the puppy love stage, where he's always on my mind, and i'm scared that whatever this is that i've got going is going to disappear mighty quickly. partially because of my dad cheating on my mother for the past who knows how long. partially because of being used and dropped by paul last year. partially because of the mess that happened after the J&K affair. he doesn't want a serious relationship at the moment, which is both fine and understandable from his perspective, and with me leaving so soon it wouldn't make sense, and lord knows how much i detest even the word "relationship". still, the fact remains, even if i try to convince meself otherwise, i'm quickly becoming infatuated by him. i love feeling like something special, and although when i'm with him i don't doubt him for a moment, when i'm here wasting time rather than writing papers and have the chance to let all my worries roam free, i get a sick feeling that i'm just going to end up being used again. that i'm a naïve ditz who's completely blinded by adoration. the fact that this is prolly the first official fling i've ever had while he's had a good sixteen years at it doesn't help either. i just have a hard time believing that someone i like so much would actually end up liking me just as much. and that's really all there is to it. i just have a hard time trusting people, which is not what i want to be like. i want to take people for what they are, not be suspicious of what they're doing and why. which entirely stems from my dad's affairs. i want to be fine with things as they are. i want to be as open in practice as i am with ideas of relationships. (evil word.) except all of a sudden i'm realising that it might be harder than i thought.
so he's gone for the weekend on a camping trip. he'll be back. i'll talk to him then. if it's meant to be, it'll happen. if it's not, life will go on. it's all learning experiences, right?
just, if someone could knock the ditzy girl out of my head, it would be terribly appreciated at the moment.
that's enough problems for the moment, don't you think? posted by me | 7:49 PM
soft and striped 
Tuesday, May 28, 2002